No more crabby

Alright, so apologies for the last posting. So very drab and blah and mostly just bad attitudish.

Today, well, this morning, at almost 5 am, I am feeling better. Could be because I've been wide awake for a few hours and still have that chipper feeling of insomnia, or it could be because I'm working hard to turn my bad attitude around.

I'm trying to complain only when I need to. I tend to, by my own (ashamed) admittance, complain way too often. I don't mean to complain, but sometimes I just don't know what to say, or I use it as a starting off point to a conversation, but really, who wants to continue when you are just being crabby about nothing?!

"So, I really hate socks, they are sooo annoying."
"Yeah, uhm, okay."

And then there it stops, awkward.

Also, I want to try not to engage in arguments with Husband. We both have anxieties over stupid shit, so I'll go first and let him have his, which I usually do and only bite when he makes it extremely personal and hurtful, and try really really really hard to just remember he's freaking out or hurting in some other way and doesn't know how else to do it. If I just let him go at it by himself he will just eventually stop trying to argue about everything. I swear the man wanted to start an argument about the daily chores I was just listing aloud at the breakfast table.

It's nonsense to argue with emotions. I expect him not to argue when I get crazy, even though most of the time he does, I should just do it with him all the time. Maybe it will, or maybe it won't resonate as something useful to do.

Also, because this is turning out to be a New Years resolution type post, feeling refreshed still, I am going to meditate more often. I am going to start by going to the place in the city where it's all about it, learn what I can, and go every week that I can. I need to be more self reflective.

Always room for improvement. Not that I'm not happy with who I am, I just think I could be better and happier with everything.

I'm going to start with those goals. If meditating really only means being able to take a short hike in the woods alone on the weekend, I'll take it. I need an hour to just get back to LIFE!

Alright 2011, bring it on. I'm ready for the challenges I will face, because I am strong! I will only use what you throw at me to gain strength :)

Holidays

Wow.

All I have to say about the holidays is they are not meant for people with anxiety. It's a brothel for anxieties..they just breed with each other.

I had four panic attacks before Church yesterday and one in church. Fortunately we started singing and it calmed me. Like a baby you might say!

I panicked about everything. Well, mostly, in all rationality, it was nothing, a lot of nothing.

I get so concerned about everyone else's happiness I forget my own.

Poof. I think it left at Thanksgiving.

I think my sanity and my happiness joined hands and said "Peace dude. This town is too small."

There they left me, stranded.

If I can just make it through..should we drive to PA tomorrow?! Should we have people up next weekend even though there is a wedding we will be at until 1am or who knows?

I just don't know if it would have been better to do it all one weekend and recover this week, or to spread it out and..stress longer?! ha. No idea.

Why can't we just stay home and curl up into our beds and watch movies and eat chocolate?

Family? I have such a large family and I feel like I have nothing to say. I'm a stay at home Mom, and one cousin is a lawyer, the others been in the Peace Corps, most of them are in college or are super smart. Interesting.

"Hey, what have you been up to?"
"Oh me? Well, usually I get up and clean, then play, then clean up someone's accident of some sort, wait for my son to poo, make dinner, clean up, watch the tube and pass out."

Not exciting, nothing anyone can escape into.

They all know I'm a looney. I feel like they avoid me. Maybe it's I avoid them. I make small talk, I try to get people to talk about themselves, but my family is TOO NICE! haha..if that exists.

I love them to death, but I feel like the black sheep for sure. Kid out of wedlock, crazy, married eventually..doing it all backwards and WRONG.

Holidays. Days that we have to perform hardest out of any other day. To try to shine our brightest so we don't look like lumps.

Maybe it's because I'm tired, but bah humbug!

Altruism

I do not believe in altruism, however, I do believe in man kind and the human heart.

I believe that we are all born with good inside of us, but it's our choice to use or neglect the good that is there. Some people are born with more than others, but we ALL are capable of good.

I believe that we do things for other people because it makes us and them feel good. We are as humans, needed and we like to fulfill that need to be needed by helping other people.

Even if you are devoting your life to religion and your path is to help others, you are fulfilling that devotion so that you may be well received in your passing on to the next world.

I do not think this is a bad thing at all! I think it's great, whatever the reason you have, to help your fellow man. I feel as though too many of us forget how to reach out a hand and instead are trying to grab at everyone else's.

People think in order to help someone you have to really devote time and energy, but that isn't always true. I know, that some days, all I need is a smile from someone. That helps me more than anything! Hugs are better though! :)

I do not devote my life to a religion, but I do have faith. I have faith in my fellow man. That he will guide and teach me in any way that he can to show me how to be better to everyone else.

We forget that helping people to feel better, or to smile, or to move, or whatever someone may need help with, is actually helpful for us too. It is very healing when you are depressed.

I know, after I got out of the Hospital in High School for major depression, I thought that nothing would help me feel better. Wrong! I got the perfect job. I worked at a Nursing Home that had mostly patients with dementia or Alzheimers. It was so hard at first, I forgot to be sad, and realized that all these people living this way were sad too. I had been living away from my house for almost three months not long before that, and even though there are people around you, they aren't your family. In fact, most resident's families rarely showed up. I made it my mission to get them to smile and laugh.

At first it was hard, but then it came so naturally and I was thankful for my mother's push to get a job. It was the best thing for me, and for the patients! They loved me, even if they couldn't remember my name, they remembered my laugh or smile, and I think that matters more! I loved them too!

Through the Holiday season and the rest of your life, I encourage you to reach out every day in a big or small way. Giving to those around you, only strengthens the bond between us. We are a pack animal, and we need to remember that everyone needs a hug or a hand, and that no gesture is too small, to strengthen the ties between us.

With Love.

Don't try to be someone you are not!

I read once, somewhere along the way, that you shouldn't try to be someone you are not. I thought at first, before I read further, that what that meant was you should not try to better yourself, and that striving for self improvement is a waste of time.

Not true. At all. It was also NOT what was trying to be said. Not close, which is good because I was starting to feel disgruntled at the beginning.

As I read on, I was pleased to find out self improvement was JUST what was trying to be put across and also, to not try to be someone you are not. Just being who are is cool, improve on that person and you will go places.

Don't try to push yourself into things you know will cause you mental un-health.

For instance, when I try so hard to be supermom. I want to be supermom. I can't be supermom. It causes me to be all grumpy and sad and then my super abilities fly out the window. What a waste of time. I can be really good at doing things I'm really good at and just trying to work at, not obsess over, things I kind of suck at. I know if I try to be a perfect mom, I end up being a terrible mother instead. That's just idiocy.

Stop trying to be like the guy sitting next to you, or the girl across the room with the perfect body and gorgeous hair.

If the guy sitting next to you graduated top of his class, and now he works so hard at his job and seems to always be working and getting raises and be well off, chances are he's unhappy in other aspects of his life. People, lots and lots of people, think that you need to concentrate only on one thing all the time in order to be successful in life. However, it's about finding a balance so that you aren't burning on both ends and are always improving in every part of your life. Yes, I know. There are times when one thing comes before another, like your spouse before your job, or your kids before your spouse, or job before family, but you need to figure out how to keep that balance of steady and achievable improvement in every aspect.

Stop comparing yourself to other people and compare yourself to yesterday.

Are you doing the same things and getting the same results? Hello, Einstein already told us that you are dumb if you do that. Just think about it while you are getting ready in the morning. What happened yesterday that I didn't like, and what exactly can I try to do to get a better outcome if that happens again today? This is important in relationships too. Any relationship. Fighting isn't all bad, it causes us to face a problem head on, sometimes fighting leads nowhere if you don't reflect on it, but I know I do. I hate to fight, well, not always, but whenever the hubby and I fight, I think about it for a while after and think about if what we were arguing about really matters, and if it does, what might be a better way to approach that subject the next time.

Which brings me to my next point. Don't make things a priority in your life if they aren't going to help your future. Everything we do effects our future. The butterfly effect, or whatever you would like to equate this phenomena with. If I wake up and go into work late today, that means that I have to really be on time for the next few months so I don't get canned. Anything, everything, it all makes a difference. Why waste time on things that aren't helping improve yourself?? Do you really have to go out drinking tonight? Is being hungover at work, or hanging out with your family really worth it the next day?

I don't know about you, but I like to be happy. I try to self reflect whenever possible and think about how I can change and grow within the confines of my nature. I love who I am and even though sometimes I can be nasty, or stupid, or inconsiderate, but those are the opportunities to improve myself as myself and not keep trying to be as good as Holly Sue or Billy Bob.